I think all of us who suffer from clinical depression question what caused it. Dwelling on this thought left me feeling guilty that whatever I may have done to put me in the hospital with no understanding of why I felt so bad I wanted to die. I examined everything I did, said, or thought. I cried so much and sank deeper and deeper.
It has been almost 30 years. All of that thinking brought me to one single conclusion. I had always been depressed. Now I wonder why I wasted time questioning it and torturing myself.
The question was wrong. Depression is a brain disease. Chemical imbalance. DNA. Faulty brain synapses.
It doesn’t matter what caused it. What matters is that it can not defeat you. You are strong. I know this because you have gone through enough mental torture that would make a weak person crumble to nothing. You are doing something about it just by looking at this blog.
Therapist number six has helped me make sense (by throwing enough clinical practice) of some theory that I studied in my Master’s program. At the time the approach seemed like a bunch of rambling that had nothing to do with helping anyone other than a philosopher. Unless you have read a lot of boring books on psychology and philosophy the connection might not be evident at all. I was just lucky enough to understand the boring books and listened to some fanciful lectures. Therapist number six helped me to realize all of the possible causes of depression and my messy thought patterns (see the previous post) led me to believe that my life didn’t matter. As an introvert I overthink everything, and she was correct and the boring theory( Existional theory in particular)) made sense. I resolved that my life did have a purpose and it is significant to others much more than I could imagine.
Don’t give up on me for that paragraph. The point is that with experimentation with medication ( a lot of it over 30 years and an implanted electronic serotonin stimulator that adjusted the chemical part of depression)there was a breakthrough in my depression. I don’t feel it anymore! There is a cure!
I write this blog in hopes that you and other strong people suffering from clinical depression can achieve a breakthrough, too.