Please, Don’t Hurt Me

I have not touched this topic in therapy. I know that time will come and I need to do a lot of healing before I go there. 

On a beautiful sunny afternoon, my Mom decided to take a drive to see some sights that she had not visited in many years. I went along for the ride. The roads were dirt and gravel and wound around an old community that once thrived because of the healing springs. I have little personal recollections of the events that followed but was told what had happened. I became frightened and began to plead with my Mom not to hurt me. It became quite an ordeal for my Mom that day to calm me and find out what was wrong.

A few weeks before that day I was kidnapped and raped. I am so trusting of people that I created the dangerous situation during a period when my mental state was extraordinarily stressed and irrational. I feel a great deal of guilt that I caused the rape. I am the one to blame. The man took me on some backroads like the ones I was traveling with my Mom, so It was a flashback from PTSD. He raped me three times during the time I was with him. I could see and feel my body left in the woods along one of the dirt roads. As I now understand what happened, I had the opportunity to escape while he went into a store for a beer, but I called my parents from a pay phone and told them I was near the lake. I’m sure it was a distressing call for them, and I intended to say to them where to find my body. I wasn’t near a lake at all but apparently thought so. I was not only physically kidnapped, but I was emotionally captured.

During the time this happened, I had been court ordered to see my son with a child psychologist so that she could observe me playing with him. He was four-years-old and his father had physical custody of him. My ex-husband and his wife believed that my every other weekend visits were causing him to have nightmares (really, he was four-years-old!). The judge consulted my therapist and the child psychologist that my ex-husband hired and I was to do this for 10 weeks. The child psychologist, unknown to me, had reviewed my case notes from some of my hospitalizations and was convinced that my type of illness would possibly cause me to kill my son. (WTF!) In the midst of that, I could not address the rape trauma. I was concerned with my son. The psychologist found out about the rape and with her finger pointed in my face said, “You have poor judgment.” She obviously saw that I was not a threat to my son and dropped the play visits. What could all of this do to a person with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxieties, Psychotic tendencies, and a history of suicide attempts?

I found myself in the lock down ward in the hospital. I was destroyed. How many people were hurting me? What was to come next? Court! My rapist was caught ( the law enforcement in that county knew him well.) I testified before the grand jury (horrors!), and he was locked up for three months as I repeatedly went to court awaiting the case to come to trial. Someone bailed him out, and he was gone.

I know I will have to dissect this in therapy. I wish it were part of the memories erased by the ECT’s. It’s not, and I feel guilty about all of the events in this story. What is wrong with me for so many things to happen at the same time? I need prayer.

Published by: Beverly Hughes

My journey through depression and anxiety has been a long fought battle. I have a Masters Degree in Counseling, but that only helped me to understand clinical language. I needed help and have learned so much about what I could do to help myself.

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