I am continually seeking personal growth. It has become a mission. I examine this part and put it under a microscope. I listen to podcasts and read articles and talk with my therapist about this. Quite often, more now than ever before, I begin to see that this and that can be opposites. Standing as a wide-eyed doe caught in the headlight of an oncoming car, I wonder if I am this, that, or something never before considered.
Each one of us changes every day. A quick look in my pseudo-reality mirror proves that I am nowhere nearly as cute as I was in high school (that, too, is a perception rather than a reality.) I believe myself to be a kind, giving, and helpful person. I think I’m a people person who greatly desires to help others through sharing my story and the things I have learned that helped me. Uh, oh! I discovered that I didn’t trust others and cannot be transparent. Can I help others while harboring a fear that my true self would not be accepted enough for those people to take what I give of myself?
Although I have had training as a counselor and I have been in therapy with people who use different therapy approaches, I hold no claims to be an expert. I understand the language, I have studied psychology and counseling for years, but my life does not connect to the educational experience. I believe in integrity. I have to dig into my core beliefs, cognitive distortions, and the thinking and feelings that result in my behavior. I need to show authenticity to support a peer group. That is YOU, and that is the people I interact with in other groups.
The distrust and vulnerability I have discovered in myself extend to all members of my family and every “friend,” co-worker, professor, those whom I have had intimate relationships, and myself. Yes, I don’t trust myself. Far too many actions and lack of responses have come to light that has caused me to question why was I not my authentic self in situations that called for the self-confident, fearless, assertive, and true self to show up. I just answered the question. I have not embraced confidence, fearlessness, or the power of assertiveness. Can these deep-rooted concepts be overturned so that the picture I maintain in the mind of my best self and the conscious determination of living now in my chosen reality be anything more than an illusion? Yes, they can. I will see that the this and that were never true. I am what was never considered.
Peace be with you.