Am I This Or Am I That

I am continually seeking personal growth. It has become a mission. I examine this part and put it under a microscope. I listen to podcasts and read articles and talk with my therapist about this. Quite often, more now than ever before, I begin to see that this and that can be opposites. Standing as a wide-eyed doe caught in the headlight of an oncoming car, I wonder if I am this, that, or something never before considered.

Each one of us changes every day. A quick look in my pseudo-reality mirror proves that I am nowhere nearly as cute as I was in high school (that, too, is a perception rather than a reality.) I believe myself to be a kind, giving, and helpful person. I think I’m a people person who greatly desires to help others through sharing my story and the things I have learned that helped me. Uh, oh! I discovered that I didn’t trust others and cannot be transparent. Can I help others while harboring a fear that my true self would not be accepted enough for those people to take what I give of myself?

Although I have had training as a counselor and I have been in therapy with people who use different therapy approaches, I hold no claims to be an expert. I understand the language, I have studied psychology and counseling for years, but my life does not connect to the educational experience. I believe in integrity. I have to dig into my core beliefs, cognitive distortions, and the thinking and feelings that result in my behavior. I need to show authenticity to support a peer group. That is YOU, and that is the people I interact with in other groups.

The distrust and vulnerability I have discovered in myself extend to all members of my family and every “friend,” co-worker, professor, those whom I have had intimate relationships, and myself. Yes, I don’t trust myself. Far too many actions and lack of responses have come to light that has caused me to question why was I not my authentic self in situations that called for the self-confident, fearless, assertive, and true self to show up. I just answered the question. I have not embraced confidence, fearlessness, or the power of assertiveness. Can these deep-rooted concepts be overturned so that the picture I maintain in the mind of my best self and the conscious determination of living now in my chosen reality be anything more than an illusion? Yes, they can. I will see that the this and that were never true. I am what was never considered.

Peace be with you.

Published by: Beverly Hughes

My journey through depression and anxiety has been a long fought battle. I have a Masters Degree in Counseling, but that only helped me to understand clinical language. I needed help and have learned so much about what I could do to help myself.


5 thoughts on “Am I This Or Am I That”

    1. Self examination is tough . I have an improved self-esteem but it has been scary looking so deeply into my thoughts and feelings. I have developed a distrust of others, because I’m afraid of falling again. We both are looking to improve our lives, I’m digging myself out of depression and anxiety, but I don’t want to bring anyone down. We lift ourselves higher when we lift others up. Chelsea, you have a God given gift with words. Write a dialog of you talking to yourself. Be very honest but loving to yourself. What are the things you cherish? Be honest and kind. What do you love most about your husband? Keep the dialog of you talking to you. Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. You have no reason to feel bad about yourself. Tell yourself that and see what you have to say about it. Don’t make any judgements about yourself that originate from someoe else. Maybe some insight.

      Liked by 1 person

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